Help! I Hate That My Mom Still Treats My Sibling Differently Than Me

Shouldn’t I be over this by 48?

Welcome to You Oughta Know, Jenny’s monthly advice column where we offer unfiltered guidance from Chelsea Kaplan, LMSW, no couch required. Yes, she’s a real therapist. No, she’s not judging you—mostly because she’s navigating midlife right alongside you. Submit your questions about relationships, middle age, or whatever is on your mind here.

Dear Chelsea,

I feel like at age 48 I should be over this by now, but I absolutely hate that my mom treats my older sister differently from me. It was that way when we were kids, and it’s still that way now. My family and I live in the same city as my parents, while my sister lives four hours away with her family, which makes things somewhat easier. However, my parents have a beach house where we’ve been spending time this summer. When we are all there, my mother makes over my sister, gets her and her kids all of the things they like, yet treats my family somewhat like second class citizens. Meanwhile, my sister isn’t even the agreeable one—she is way more temperamental and demanding, and her kids are often poorly behaved while I’m pretty cooperative and my kids are rule-followers. It’s become hard on my kids and I can tell they notice it now that they’re older. Is there anything I can do?

—Cinderella in Stamford

Dear Cinderella,

First, let’s banish the phrase “I should be over this by now” from your vocabulary. The idea that we magically outgrow the desire to be seen and valued by our parents just because we’ve crossed the threshold of adulthood is a myth. Family dynamics are deeply grooved tracks, and when we step back into them—especially at a childhood-adjacent place like a family beach house—we are instantly teleported right back into our 14-year-old psyches. Your pain is not immature; it’s entirely human. You are watching your children be treated as secondary characters in their grandmother’s story, and that triggers both your inner child and your inner Godzilla.

I need to let you in on a frustrating psychological secret about why your temperamental, demanding sister gets the red carpet while you and your polite kids get the leftovers: It’s called the squeaky wheel dynamic, mixed with a heavy dose of proximity fatigue. Because you live in the same city, your mother takes your presence, your stability, and your easygoing nature for granted. You are “safe.” Your sister, on the other hand, is high-maintenance, volatile, and lives four hours away. Your mother is likely terrified of your sister’s temper and the threat of being cut off from those grandkids, so she enters full appeasement mode when they are around. Your sister’s bad behavior is being rewarded with her favorite flavor of Talenti and endless doting because your mom is managing her own anxiety. It’s unfair, it’s dysfunctional, and it sucks.

But here is the hard truth you need to swallow: You cannot change your mother, and you cannot force her to be the Elyse Keaton kind of mother you deserve. Trying to have a logical conversation with a mom who operates on this level of emotional scarcity usually results in gaslighting, tears, and accusations that you are being “too sensitive.” What you can do, however, is change the geometry of how you interact with this dynamic, because protecting your family’s is now the priority.

You need to stop walking into the trap of the grand family reunion expecting a different outcome. If going to the beach house with your sister’s family consistently makes you feel like a second-class citizen, you need to stop going at the same time they do. You can love the beach house and still say, “Mom, we want to make sure (your sister) has plenty of space with you since she travels so far, so we’re going to book our beach weekend for the following week instead.” Reclaim your proximity advantage. Visit your parents when they are lonely and the high-maintenance circus isn’t in town. You’ll get the better version of your mother, and your kids won’t have to watch a real-time popularity contest.

Finally, use this as a masterclass in emotional intelligence for your older kids. When they notice the favoritism, don’t defend your mother or make excuses for her. Validate their eyes. You don’t have to bash their grandmother, but you can say, “You’re right, Grandma does tend to fuss over your cousins a lot because she doesn’t see them often and your aunt gets stressed easily. I notice it too, and it’s okay to feel bummed about it. But I want you to know how proud I am of how polite and grounded you both are.” You cannot control the love your mother doles out, but you can control the environment your kids grow up in. Step off the sibling scoreboard, stop competing for crumbs, and build your own vacation traditions where your family is always valued.

Hang in there,
Chelsea

Check out our previous installment of You Outta Know on no longer being attracted to your husband. Have a question you’d like Chelsea to answer? Submit your questions about relationships, middle age, or whatever is on your mind here.

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