And I may have a crush on a younger guy at work.
Welcome to You Oughta Know, Jenny’s monthly advice column where we offer unfiltered guidance from Chelsea Kaplan, LMSW, no couch required. Yes, she’s a real therapist. No, she’s not judging you—mostly because she’s navigating midlife right alongside you. Submit your questions about relationships, middle age, or whatever is on your mind here.
Dear Chelsea,
I feel like shit for saying this, because I encourage myself and my kids to love their bodies no matter what, but my husband, who is a genuinely good guy, has totally let himself go. Like, full-on gut hanging over his pants beer-belly style, scraggly beard leftover (still) from Covid, lounging around the house in his oversized college-era shorts. I’m not attracted to him and don’t want to sleep with him, and I have found myself fantasizing about a guy at work who’s younger and cuter. What the hell is going on with me?
—Grossed out in Grosse Pointe
Dear Grossed Out,
First of all, let’s retire the idea that being body-positive means you aren’t allowed to have physical preferences. You can believe every human deserves dignity regardless of physical characteristics and still notice that your husband’s physical changes (or lack thereof) do not make you want to put on your sexy panties before bed. That’s not a moral failing; it’s a human experience. Half the women reading this just sat up straighter because they’ve had the exact same thought as you, sister.
But I don’t actually think this is ultimately about his appearance.
When we say a partner has “let themselves go,” we’re usually talking about a shift in energy, self-care, and effort. I’m thinking your husband is likely exhausted, stressed, depressed, or simply prioritizing different things than he did 20 years ago. You’re probably looking at him and seeing someone who feels less vibrant and less connected to himself. That is a much heavier issue than whether he needs to shed 25 pounds.
Good news: you can chill out about the workplace crush—it’s not a huge red flag. A younger, attractive coworker isn’t competing with your husband; he’s competing with the memory of your husband. The guy at work represents novelty, possibility, and effortless attraction. Of course he seems exciting—you’ve never watched him search for the ketchup while it was right in front of his face or clip his toenails. Fantasy has excellent lighting. Marriage has fluorescent lighting and a Costco membership. Attraction naturally ebbs and flows over decades. If you’ve been married 15 years and every single feeling you have toward your husband is identical to what you felt at 27, one of you is actually a hologram.
The guy at work represents novelty, possibility, and effortless attraction. Of course he seems exciting—you’ve never watched him search for the ketchup while it was right in front of his face or clip his toenails. Fantasy has excellent lighting. Marriage has fluorescent lighting and a Costco membership.
The question I’d encourage you to ask yourself is this: If your husband woke up tomorrow looking exactly the same but suddenly seemed energized, confident, engaged, and flirtatious, would you still feel this turned off? If the answer is yes, then physical attraction may genuinely be the issue. If the answer is no, then the belly and beard are getting blamed for a much larger emotional disconnect.
In long marriages, it is incredibly common for one partner to quietly start keeping score: He doesn’t take care of himself, he wears the same three Oasis shirts on rotation, he’s checked out. Before long, that resentment gets projected onto the most visible target available—the body. The body becomes Exhibit A in a case that’s really about disappointment.
To gently turn the spotlight back on you for a second: How are you feeling about your own aging? Sometimes, when we’re struggling with our own changing bodies, we become surprisingly reactive to the changes in our partner’s. His belly can become an uncomfortable reminder that neither of you is 25 anymore, and a crush on a younger coworker becomes a reassuring hit of “I’ve still got it.” Midlife crushes are rarely about wanting a different person; they’re about wanting a version of ourselves that feels desirable, alive, and chosen.
So no, you’re not a shallow monster. You’re a middle-aged woman having an extremely middle-aged thought. Here is what I’d suggest you actually do next:
1) Don’t mention the appearance stuff. Announcing you’ve lost sexual interest because he looks disheveled will only breed shame, which is terrible fertilizer for intimacy.
2) Look in the mirror. Be honest about whether you’ve quietly stopped investing in the romantic side of the relationship, too. One of the least sexy traps in a long marriage is when both people pull back and wait for the other to make the first move. You might need to be the one to get the ball rolling.
3) Have an “I miss us” conversation. Skip the appearance critique and focus on connection. Try statements like: “I feel like we’ve gotten a little stuck,” or “I miss having fun and feeling like more than roommates managing a household.”
Long-term love isn’t sustained by pretending your partner never changes; it’s sustained by continuing to find your way back to each other after they do. Attraction in long marriages often becomes less “I can’t keep my hands off you” and more “I like who I am when I’m with you.” Less fireworks, more embers. Sometimes the embers just need a little poking. Sometimes that means couples therapy, sometimes it means planning a weekend away, and sometimes it just means buying him some new shorts that actually fit instead of letting him insist the same pair from 2008 still looks dope. The goal here isn’t to decide if your husband’s body is acceptable; it’s to figure out if your relationship still feels alive. If you bring the relationship back to life, you might be surprised by how much more attractive he becomes.
Hang in there,
Chelsea
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