The Case for Using Your Phone as an Actual Phone

It’s a great way to get around the adult friendship problem.

The adult friendship problem is real. We’re often too busy with a calendar full of obligations—family, job, children—to make time for our friends. Female friendship can have extra challenges. Sometimes it feels like all those catty “mean girls” we grew up with in pop culture and in the halls of our high schools still exist, even though no one wants to be a part of that. 

And I, for one, can’t live up to the unrealistic friendship ideals upheld by Instagram or shows like Netflix’s Sweet Magnolias, with its trio of friends always dressed to perfection and calmly tackling problems over gourmet snacks (never my go-to half-eaten bag of Fritos). It’s too much pressure. Thankfully, for me, there’s a solution, and it’s probably in your hand right now.

Using your phone as an actual phone.

As a busy 46-year-old woman with two kids, I make a point to talk on the phone weekly to at least three different friends. One of those friends became a regular phone call during the pandemic, when we all desperately needed connection. We got in the habit of talking while we were both, separately, out walking or slow jogging (what I call slogging). After the pandemic, we kept up the routine, even though we live in the same town and could’ve met in person. She moved last year but I’ve barely noticed. We still talk several times each week.

Even before the pandemic, I was always the one who reached out to my college friends and one friend from high school, all of whom live in other states. Not every week but at least every couple months. It probably helps that talking on the phone is so much easier than it used to be.

When I was in high school, I talked with my friends late into the night on an iPhone ancestor called the landline telephone. As I’ve explained to my kids, there were no texts, no Discord, no memes. I even used a payphone, a necessity when I was traveling overseas and my parents wanted a status update. Teenagers these days will never experience the high-stakes feuding with a sibling for access to the family phone. Or the pure agony of trying to call a crush and having his mom answer. Can Matt come to the phone to talk about, uh, homework? It was trial by fire, if fire was a plastic device with a spiral cord and, eventually, call waiting. 

Then again, I know people my age who hate calling and receiving calls almost as much as today’s teenagers do. Sure, they use their phones for everything else. But getting a call is a burden, an interruption, says Danielle Daly, in an article about “phone anxiety.” And, if they do take or make that call, one of them told me, she feels vulnerable and exposed. Will she say the wrong thing? Will she have nothing to say? Will she sneeze-burp?

But listen, chatting on the phone is worthwhile and effective for many reasons, especially for women over 40.

First point: Friendship is important. With health benefits both physical and psychological, it staves off depression and acts as a protective buffer and stress-reliever, according to the American Psychological Association. Female friends are also a source of strength, support, and safety for women—and can be a lot more helpful than ChatGPT. 

When I developed a mysterious, never-ending pain down my arm—one that kept me awake at night and unable to function during the day—I called one of my most trusted female friends. She figured out what I needed to do and then got me in to see a specialist. I had a successful spinal surgery thanks in part to her, and recovered with the help of another friend’s homemade lasagna.

Second point: The phone is easy, getting around the issue of scheduling an in-person meet-up. It’s so easy, in fact, that, with EarPods, we can chat while cleaning the house or collecting receipts for our accountant. (I prefer wired EarPods, by the way, after one of my friends swallowed an AirPod in her sleep.) I’m more energized when I’m interacting with a friend and can actually get more menial chores done than I would otherwise. Suddenly, organizing my work bag isn’t so tedious because I’m in a heated debate with a friend about what to do with our kids’ baby teeth.

You might think, hey, texting is just as easy. But online interaction or texting requires use of your hands and doesn’t have the same friendship benefits as voice-on-voice contact. It lacks the nuance, tone, and genuine interaction we need to really connect. 

Third point: Talking on the phone is an antidote to much of the baggage around female friendship.

It’s hard to promote a catty clique (not that women necessarily do that) or feel the pressure of looking like the perfect friend (something my messy, curly hair does not allow) when I’m talking on the phone while trimming my dog’s toenails.

Using the phone, for me, is friendship at its simplest. There’s no pretense or power play. It’s me checking in or sharing a silly anecdote with one of my local friends. It’s me asking about my slogging buddy’s week or following up on something she said the day before. At this point, we know each other’s schedules like our own, so one of us just calls. If there’s an unexpected conflict, we might text the night before and suggest a different time. I also call at random. If they can’t pick up, it’s no big deal. I know they’ll call back later. In all of these cases, the conversations are stripped of superficial concerns. No one can record the event for social media because I’m actually on a ladder, miles away, chatting as I trim a tree branch.

That’s not to say I don’t ever see friends in person. I try to meet up with my core local group for a weekly chat over coffee. But, when we can’t get together, if one of us is dealing with something big, or if I just feel like it, the phone is the next best thing.

My system isn’t always perfect. I might have gone too far when I tried to trim that branch—on a ladder, holding a saw. But, for the most part, using the phone as an actual phone works. With this regular contact, I feel connected to my friends and in the loop when it comes to their everyday lives. We share our struggles and we make each other laugh. In both cases, I can breathe easier after a phone call. 

I’ve found that these benefits are especially important to me now that I’m in my 40s. Not only do I have community, I also have reliable sources of information as I confront the increasing mysteries connected to aging as a woman. Sure, I could get some of that information elsewhere. Maybe even from a doctor. But it’s easier to swallow in the company of other women who are also forced to deal with wildly dry skin, restless leg syndrome, and vitamin deficiencies. Even better, we can joke about it all together—gallows humor, or, more accurately, gallstone humor. 

Talking on a cell phone will never be as bad as the absolute chaos of your younger brother answering the phone on the kitchen wall when your crush decides to call you back. And you’re already using your phone for everything else, anyway. 

So, go ahead, call that friend.

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