We promise it’s not breakfast in bed.
Mother’s Day comes in hot and fast every year. And because moms are often the ones planning things, remembering things, and then buying and wrapping things for every other holiday on the calendar, it’s no wonder that a lot of us feel a little nonplussed with what we end up getting (if anything at all) on the second Sunday of every May. It’s that oft-occurring reminder that if we don’t plan something ourselves, it’s not going to happen—at least in the way we would like. Sure, by this age, we’ve all learned to take our birthdays into our own hands if we want things to turn out a certain way. But Mother’s Day? We are definitely not going to organize that for ourselves.
But what if we did? Well, for one thing, the gifts, whether physical or experiential, would be on-the-nose. To that end, we thought we’d compile a list of what moms might actually like to experience for at least one day every year. No doubt this list is incomplete, so feel free to add your wishes and desires in the comments, then maybe send it to your family for inspiration. They might just realize, “Oh shit! Sunday is Mother’s Day,” and maybe you’ll actually end up with something you like this year.
What Moms Actually Want for Mother’s Day
1. Find it yourself. Whatever it is. Look for it, and find it.
2. Leave the house so I can sleep as long as I want, then wake up and binge my shows in peace.
3. Don’t ask me one single question.
4. In fact, just leave some flowers and a card on the table and back away slowly.
5. Make it so I never have to negotiate screen time ever again, or even hear the words “screen time.”
6. Let me take a long bath without anyone knocking or opening the door.
7. Decide what we’re having for dinner for the rest of the year.
8. Go to the grocery store and buy everything we need without texting me: “is this the right one?”
9. Make goodie bags disappear from existence forever.
10. Give me a weekend away in a fun hotel with my best friend—and by fun hotel, I mean any hotel without my family.
11. For the love of all that is holy, pick up your socks.
12. Do not ask to be taken to the bathroom exactly the moment the food arrives when we’re out to dinner.
13. Get me a drink that you will not take a sip of after saying you don’t want one of your own.
14. Don’t just give me a gift card for a spa package, book me the appointment and pay the tip.
15. Next time grandma calls, do not make me silently snap my fingers at you to come over and say hello.
16. Get yourselves ready to go without me having to ask (or threaten) you.
17. Maybe for one day don’t call me, “bruh.”
18. Do my laundry for me. And yours, too.
19. Please don’t push me to the edge of the bed every time you sleep with me. Or maybe just sleep in your own room?
20. Schedule your own play date.
21. Promise you will never bring home a virus again.
22. Deep clean the house. Better yet, hire someone to deep clean the house and organize my closet.
23. No stink faces when I ask you to do a very minor task/favor/chore.
24. Please, for the love of god, get your hair out of your face just for one day.
25. Call me from college without asking for money.
26. Please, at least feign enthusiasm for the next family activity I’ve planned.
27. Put 👏 The 👏 Dishes 👏 In 👏 The 👏 Dishwasher 👏 Not 👏 The 👏 Sink 👏
28. I would like my pre-child figure back, please. [Ed. note: This one might be extra difficult to pull off, but do your best.]
29. Just say goodnight, give me a hug, and go to sleep.
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Lili Zarghami lives with her teenagers in Brooklyn. She’s been writing for and providing editorial direction at women’s websites like Redbook, HGTV, Better Homes & Gardens and more since the turn of the century. She can remember the addresses of all the places she was a latchkey kid but has no idea what her email password is.
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