A stock photo causes a stir.
I just wrote my first piece for Jenny, and I’m worried that instead of reading my words, many people were fixating on the stock photo used to promote it. You’re only angry right now if I’m right. So now we need to talk about the apparent big feelings some of us have when we see a woman who is supposed to represent us looking older.
My essay, All The Cool Girls Are Single In Their 40s, was promoted on Instagram by the Jenny team, and the stock photo used (because digital content needs artwork, babes) featured a woman who looks visibly older than someone in their 40s. Many commenters noted this and, when I say noted, please know that I mean complained. I wasn’t really bothered by this as much as I was exhausted. It seems like a tired thing to care about. As the person with her name in the byline, I wasn’t offended that the woman pictured looked older than me. I was offended that she looked happier.
It does not matter how old we look. On an intellectual level, we know this. We know the beauty industry invented “aging” as a negative term in order to make a shitload of money and literally no other reason. We’ve been aging since the moment we were born but we’re only supposed to be ashamed of it at a certain time—a time predetermined by everyone other than ourselves. Society has always known the precise physical traits to call ugly with exactly the right timing, and it’s so good at it that we grew up thinking ugly and old meant the same thing. If that weren’t true, no one would have given a shit about that photo.
I thought our generation was really making headway. For every over-40 woman I’ve seen with a steady Botox/laser/filler routine, I’ve seen just as many reject beauty-related expenses and procedures outright—and I like both choices. It means we’re making our own fucking decisions, rather than just compulsively participating in a beauty culture that won’t ever tell us we look good because if we think we look good, the beauty industry stops making money. Think of the shareholders!
We’re smart enough to know that messages about a woman’s beauty and visual appeal declining as she ages serve no one and nothing but patriarchy, capitalism, and a deeply fucked up need for women’s beauty standards to echo childlike qualities. But for some reason it still bothers us emotionally if someone older gets credit for looking younger, especially if we perceive it as coming at our expense.
I was really surprised by the comments that called out the woman for looking too old to be associated with an article I wrote. Why do we need things to match up perfectly before we can either a) simply scroll away, or b) focus on the actual intention of the content? I wanted to write about how women in our 40s who are single and never married… exist. The only upsetting part for me was that people were leaving comments about a stock photo on Instagram while there wasn’t any discussion at all about the actual essay itself on Jenny. The comments section is still empty, you can go look.
I’m not offended by a stock photo, but I am annoyed by the focus on it. I almost wanted to plant an intentional typo in this piece just to get y’all to talk about something else in the comments, but now I have to worry that the cover art passes the vibe check or else you won’t read my words at all.
You don’t need to freak out about the older lady. She isn’t contagious. People will still think you’re hot in your 40s even if they see a photo of a woman in her early 60s next to an article about us. And if people don’t think you’re hot in your 40s, your only job is to make sure that you’re not one of them.
If you enjoyed this essay, Shani’s newest book, What If We Never Get Married? A Happily Ever Answer, is available now.
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by Shani Silver
Shani Silver is a writer and podcaster. Her name is pronounced like “rainy” with a “sh.” She has written for XOJane, Bustle, Domino Magazine, as well as other beloved elder millennial properties. Shani’s work challenges single women to shed the shaming narratives we were taught in favor of the validity, value, and dignity that we deserve. How else are we ever going to appreciate all this freedom? Shani’s favorite soundtrack is Romeo & Juliet from 1996, she’s probably listening to it as we speak. At this point her neighbors would really like her to stop.
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