After accidentally becoming a childfree influencer, our writer is ready to dole out some advice.
Lately, my TikTok comments make me feel like I’m working a customer-support hotline for childfree women—and honestly? I’m kind of loving it.
I didn’t set out to become a childfree influencer. And I’m definitely not yet juggling brand deals with luxury travel companies, “mature” skincare lines, or whichever retirement-planning app assumes I’m dying to optimize my portfolio between Pilates classes.
But as a 52-year-old woman who made this decision back when choosing not to have kids made everyone look at you like you’d announced you were joining a cult, I have to admit: I’m actually pretty well qualified to be one.
When I made this choice in my early 30s, I wasn’t even aware it was an option. I know that sounds dramatic, but truly—that’s how it felt. Choosing not to have kids wasn’t something women said out loud. It wasn’t even something we saw modeled. It just… wasn’t on the menu.
I had met an incredible partner and all signs were pointing to marriage. Everyone expected me to have kids—I even expected it of myself. But one day it hit me like a divine download: Wait, I can decide not to have kids and then just… not have them? It was an unexpected, full body wave of relief the second I imagined my life without kids. It wasn’t fear-based or angsty. It was calm, it was obvious, and it hit me like a neon sign. Decision made.
Twenty-five years later, I’m still with my husband Greg, adopting senior Basset Hounds, running an online business together, and living our best lives in Mexico City—and that decision to not have kids sits firmly at the top of my “smartest fucking things I’ve ever done” list.
Thankfully, we’ve made real progress toward normalizing this over the years. But as far as we’ve come, the anxiety around this choice hasn’t gone anywhere.
So sure, if I need to helm my own childfree customer-support hotline to help Millennial and Gen Z women, it’s the least I can do.
Bring on the TikTok questions, ladies. I have the range. And the chill. And zero problem spreading the gospel and taking the mystery out of what it’s actually like to be a grown-up cool girl who’s childfree and loving it.
In my completely unscientific audit of my comments and DMs, I realize everything pretty much circles around the same five anxieties: fear of being left out, fear of regret, fear of judgment, fear of relationship drama, and fear of building a life that looks different from everyone else’s.
For the record, this is my best wannabe Dear Abby advice for actual comments from real people:
1. Fear of Being “Left Out”
“I’m curious what your experience is like with all your friends having kids and you not? I’m at that place now and feel left out.”
When almost everyone you know is doing something and you’re not, it’s hard to argue that you’re never gonna feel “left out.” But for me it’s a very different type of feeling.
For example, I don’t drink… and most of the people I know do. So if I go out with a group of friends and everyone but me is drinking and having fun, maybe sometimes I feel a little left out. But also: I chose to be left out, because I don’t like doing the thing everyone else is doing.
The truth is, you will absolutely lose touch with some friends who end up having kids. And there will be conversations or experiences that all your friends will be having that you won’t be.
But that’s life no matter what.
Even if you did have kids like all your other friends, maybe you would be the only working mom dealing with a whole different set of challenges and so that would make you feel left out. Or maybe you would have an only child when all your other friends have multiple kids and you would feel left out that way.
Trust me: When it comes to feeling “less than,” we women are basically like MI5 agents—we will find any situation that lets us compare ourselves and feel terrible about it.
Meanwhile most of my mom friends say things like: “OMG, you’re going home right now and taking a nap!? I’m so friggin’ jealous.”
2. Fear of Regret
“Pleassseeee talk about this! I’m struggling so hard with this decision.”
“What if I wake up at 45 and suddenly want a kid?”(AKA the cultural boogeyman every woman is threatened with.) OK, well what if you wake up at 45 with a kid and you regret having them?
I’m sure by now you can confirm that the “what if” game with every decision you have or haven’t made in your life is basically the quickest way to spin out into the most useless, anxiety producing freak out your brain has ever experienced.
So instead of imagining a lifetime of regret and disastrous decisions, try to imagine your life is ah-mazing no matter what you choose. You have kids and it’s incredible (though with all the things that go along with having kids) OR you don’t have kids and it’s also incredible (with all the things that go along with a childfree life).
And then be honest with yourself: Which one sounds better?
For the record: I literally wake up every single day and pat myself on the back for making the, hands down, the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. I have regretted choosing not to have children 0.00% of the time since I’ve made it.
3. Fear of Judgment
“‘We’re not planning on having kids’ has shaken people to the core.”
Oddly, “we’re not having kids” can still feel like a record scratch moment in a conversation and can even have this odd effect of making people feel judged. Like if I say I’m not having kids, I’m actually judging you for having kids.
Needless to say, this is insane.
I’m now old enough that I don’t ever get asked about this, but when my husband and I first got married, I realized quickly that I needed a practiced comeback to the question, when are you guys going to have kids? I didn’t want it to feel confrontational, but I wanted it to be direct (and also not invite any additional questions).
That nuance was surprisingly hard to tap into. What we came up with was: We’re holding steady at the dog.
4. Fear of Relationship Fallout
“As a young woman who wants to be childfree and has an extremely tough time dating men because of it, how did that work for you? Was this a conversation from the jump?”
In my case, yes. This was something that was decided very early on and we were lucky to be on the exact same page regarding this decision. So, in truth, I don’t have any experience navigating this from any other perspective.
But, I actually think this decision of yours is something you should lead with in your dating adventures. The truth is, even today, the vast majority of couples choose to have kids. So it makes sense that your dating pool might feel smaller.
I think you will end up having an easier time connecting with your person by being honest about this. Because building a relationship without this big looming question hanging over you like a rain cloud is really kind of magical.
Side note: How is there not a dating app for people who want to be childfree?! Silicon Valley, call me.
5. Fear of Building a Life That Looks ‘Different’
“Please share what your marriage without kids has looked like over the years as your friends became parents. Have you noticed any fundamental differences in your marriage compared to theirs?”
Like most people our age, we have friends in successful marriages, and some who have gotten divorced.
The truth is, not having kids eliminates an entire realm of possible conflict, anxiety, expenses, and emotional energy that simply does not exist in our marriage. I’ve never had any other life, so I can’t compare it to building a relationship with kids and what that’s like.
But here’s my field report: I get eight-plus hours of sleep every night, spend an unreasonable amount of time on TikTok pretending to “research” our next trip, and pour all our caretaking energy into one extremely spoiled senior Basset Hound named Abe. Our days are entirely our own. And our biggest recurring argument is which restaurant to go to for dinner.
So yeah: the childfree thing? 10/10 recommend.
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