Attention, middle-aged women: Gen Z is here to help.
It was a frosty morning in December, and I was hopping up and down trying to stay warm while I waited for the annual holiday 5K in Prospect Park to start. Runners milled around drinking hot chocolate and listening to a troupe of carolers dressed in Victorian garb, when a tall, dark-haired man strode into view, making me forget about the chill in my bones.
Imagine the chiseled profile of Ryan Gosling, the floppy curls of Timothée Chalamet, and the brooding eyes of Dev Patel rolled into one, and you’ll understand. He was probably 20 years my junior, which wouldn’t normally stop me from shooting my shot, but I wasn’t feeling my most alluring at that moment, just rolled out of bed and bundled up in spandex and fleece. Besides, the race was starting soon, and I needed to get to my corral at the back of the pack with the other arthritic middle-aged moms. But I did surreptitiously snap a photo and put it on my Instagram story, soundtracked by the Britney Spears classic, “My Only Wish (This Year).”
Santa, can you hear me?
I have been so good this year
And all I want is one thing
Tell me my true love is near
He’s all I want, just for me
Underneath my Christmas tree
By the time I crossed the finish line, I had a DM from my teenage daughter, replying to my story.
“Is that your friend?” she asked.
I told her he was not. Her reply came immediately.
“Mom, I love you, but you can’t post pictures of strangers like that.”
I tried to defend myself by saying that he was in public; a longtime fan of the Instagram account Hot Dudes Reading, I figured any hot dude who ventured out of his house was fair game. With the easy confidence and unwavering patience of a Gen Z-er who understands that her hapless Gen X mom is not a digital native, she assured me that this was not the case.
It wasn’t the first time that one of my daughters has gently (okay, sometimes not-so-gently) chided me about my social media presence. (“Why can’t you just be a normal mom?” one of them once wailed, after an especially embarrassing post.) Listen, when you write about things like trying to eat pussy and lusting after Luigi Mangione, it’s hard to keep from humiliating your children. When I asked one of my daughters why her friends were following my Instagram in the first place, she looked pained.
“They’re fans of your brand, I guess,” she said.
“Oh? And what is my brand?” I asked, amused.
“I dunno—cringe?” she shrugged.
But I’m grateful they’re willing to act as my social media managers, even if I’ve brought shame upon our household.
In case you don’t have access to any helpful members of Gen Z, I’ve compiled a list of the top five things my kids have taught me about social media. Want to do it like the cool kids? Follow these rules. (Meanwhile, my kids are probably going to make fun of me for using the phrase, “do it like the cool kids.” Sigh.)
Ditch the Hashtags
This was the first thing my children called me out for, back in the early days of Instagram, when I thought it was funny to make up hashtags like #fakeittilyoumakeit and #blessedbutstillstressed. “Hashtags are for old people,” they told me, shaking their heads. I’ve changed my ways and hardly ever use a hashtag now, but the official word from Gen Z is, unless you’re using an established hashtag specifically meant to encourage engagement, widen your audience, and grow your follower count, skip it. #justdontdoit #neverhashtags #itsnotcute
Ask Before Tagging
It’s a good idea to ask anyone before you tag a photo of them, but if you have kids on social media, this one is even more crucial. If your account is public, their friends might stalk out their tagged photos, find your account, and then comb through every old picture you’ve ever posted of your children, all the way back to their awkward middle school phase. (Yes, people can remove tags of themselves, but what if their crush sees that unflattering photo before they get the chance to untag it?) In fact, it’s a good idea not to post pictures of people at all, unless you have permission—tag or no tag. My kids are much more willing to let me take their picture, now that they know I’ll never post without asking first.
Know Your Audience
One time I went to the gym with a friend right before I was supposed to go on a first date. My plan was to shower and get dressed for the date in the gym’s luxe locker room, but there was one problem: I forgot to bring a pair of clean underwear. My friend rinsed my gym undies in the sink, then dried them with a blow dryer while I did my hair and makeup. I posted a picture of her with my underwear and wrote a heartfelt caption about true friendship. When my older daughter saw it, she winced. “That one should’ve been for the close friends, Mom.” Lesson learned! (P.S. My date stood me up.)
Block with Abandon
My younger daughter is the queen of the block button: She has zero hesitation about blocking anyone who disturbs her peace. “It’s not about them—it’s for you,” she explains. The friend who ditched you when you were going through a tough time? The person who’s always posting about social gatherings you weren’t invited to? Your ex’s new girlfriend who you can’t stop yourself from stalking, even though it makes you feel like shit? Block them! When I don’t have the nerve to do it myself, I hand my phone over to my kid and she does it for me. “Here you go. Blocked on all platforms,” she says, giving it back in seconds. She’s a professional.
Take a Break
Sometimes, I look for one of my children’s Instagram profiles, and it’s gone. When I ask what happened, they shrug and tell me they just needed a break. “I read four books in a week,” my older daughter told me, after one of her social media hiatuses. I find it much harder to tear myself away from my phone than my children do, but when they tell me how much more they got done, and how much better they feel, it inspires me to delete the apps from my phone for a while. I haven’t yet managed to deactivate my accounts for a period of time, like they do, but one of these days, I aspire to be as strong as they are. Just not today…
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Elizabeth Laura Nelson has been airing her dirty laundry online since she wrote an “It Happened To Me” story for the late, great xoJane. Since then she’s worked at websites including YourTango, Elite Daily, Woman’s World, and Best Life. When she was 12, she kissed the George Michael poster above her bed every night before she went to sleep.
