Oh no, ick.
Illustrations by Rachael Abrams
If you date men, there are some classic red flags that should make most women over 40 think twice: “almost” divorced, never married, and our favorite, anyone who utters the, “I’m scared I’m going to get hurt again” line. These are all perfectly rational, if not required, reasons to run for the hills. But what about those seemingly innocuous little things that just give you the ick?
We don’t mean to get all Seinfeldian on you—we all remember when Jerry dumped a woman because she had “man hands,” or because she ate peas one at at time, or because she was a massage therapist who wouldn’t give him a massage (hi, Jennifer Coolidge!)—but the older we get the more particular we become. And if we should be particular about anything right about now, it should one hundred percent be the men we associate ourselves with.
While these characteristics may seem trivial—because, in fact, they are—they may also be telltale signs flapping in the air, foreshadowing potential douchebaggery and midlife crises. Whether we are on the market or not, we like a man without something to prove, who doesn’t take himself too seriously, and who ideally doesn’t do or have anything to do with the shenanigans drawn out so nicely for us below.
These may not just be men you want to swipe left on in the dating apps, but also ones to avoid at the grocery store, or in the kitchen at work, or on the playground. They could also be some of our very own husbands. (In this case, it’s a little bit more about radical acceptance than avoidance.)
But that’s just it: These red flags are completely benign. Maybe you agree with them, maybe you don’t. But if you are a woman, you undoubtedly have some irrational, albeit oh-so-telling, male red flags of your own.
***This data was scientifically collected from the group chats of middle-aged women.
Irrational Red Flag #1: Men into crypto
Tell me who you voted for without telling me who you voted for.
Irrational Red Flag #2: Men with more than one dog
Will there be room in the bed for us?
Irrational Red Flag #3: Men who name drop their college
We get it, buddy.
Irrational Red Flag #4: Men who just started DJing
Some hobbies are only meant to be picked up in your 20s.
Irrational Red Flag #5: Men who rock climb
It’s Saturday morning, no, I do not want to go to the climbing gym.
Irrational Red Flag #6: Men with tribal tattoos
There are some things about your past we don’t want to know.
Irrational Red Flag #7: Men who won’t dance
What else won’t they do?
Irrational Red Flag #8: Men who take selfies
Maybe stay off social media all together?
Irrational Red Flag #9: Men who love Dave Matthews Band
Don’t tell me you still own a hacky sack.
Irrational Red Flag #10: Men with blonde hair
Only Brad Pitt can get away with this one.
Rachael Abrams is an artist and educator born in Inverness, CA. After spending 15 years working in the arts in New York City, she has landed in Cleveland, OH where she has a sizable home studio (by NYC standards) to make prints, drawings, paintings, collages, and illustrations while listening to early ’90s R&B.
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Megan Cahn started her editorial career at Sassy’s less irreverent younger cousin, CosmoGIRL. She went on to work in the women’s lifestyle space at publications such as ELLE, Refinery29, Cup of Jo, and Best Life. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband, cat, and five-year-old daughter, who has adopted her childhood Cabbage Patch Kids collection.
